}[Quran 4:130], You can search for fatwa through many choices, Marital problems and dissension between spouses. He wants me to listen to his mother. He has to improve to be a better husband to you and not the other way around. He treats me so. 1. The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. Dont nag him or demand that he choose right away between his family and you. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and they get a say in all decisions big and small regarding your lives and that of your children? A caring son could also mean a caring husband. If hes not willing to cooperate, then theres not much you can do about it alone. However, the relationship, in itself, is not as easy. Everything is going to be alright. First, take a step back and breathe. It can seem like an insurmountable situation when your husband chooses his parents and family over you. Most of the time he is not realizing the pressures he is putting on his wife by having an entourage of relatives always at home. And now that hes married, he might have difficulties changing them as he failed to mature enough to do so. Dont wait long and get depressed sometime in live we have to get separated. Therefore. I am sorry you're going through this , "I'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. Basically, that because theyve all known one another and supported one another for as long as your husband has been alive, they and their views, wants, needs, and preferences need to take precedence over yours. That, above all, is the issue that needs to be worked out. For example, if they try to suggest Rose for the name of your forthcoming daughter, but you have another name in mind, politely state: Thats a lovely name, but were very keen on Catherine, actually., Or if they try to muscle in on a family holiday that was meant just for the two of you and your children, respond by saying: Were really looking forward to some quality time just the 3/4/5 of us, but why dont we plan a weekend away with all of us later in the year?. Understand husband chooses his family because he doesnt know how not to. In any case, we advise you to be patient and repel the thoughts that tell you that your husband does not love you or that he is not happy with you and the like. That way your husband does not get to choose his family over you. You are not entirely wrong, if youre convinced, My husband puts his friends and family before me. Tell your husband that you have no issues visiting your in-laws but if it could be made an alternative week affair then as a couple you could have some me-time. 12 Things To Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You, 1. I will admit that your post was a little difficult for me to understand (are you using an online translator? You are making the right decision. That way there is no misunderstanding and festering. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. Why? Work together to find a solution for this particular problem. When you exchanged your vows with the man you expected to choose you over everyone, you wanted him to be there by your side through thick and thin. To this day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, My husband always supports his mother. No matter how much she resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be the dutiful son. Well, those moms have a difficult time seeing their sons grow up. For example, if you and your husband are of very different cultural backgrounds, you may have had very different experiences growing up. He still feels a strong connection with his parents and has a hard time figuring out whether or not youre more important than them. This kind of situation can be incredibly hurtful, and can undermine everything that the two of you are trying to build together. So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? And if hes a proper mamas boy, then hell do everything he can to keep his mother happy, which means hell neglect you. 1. Tell your husband that if you are traveling twice a year let one be with his family and the other one be with his wife and kids. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger. Tell him that you had the same issue, that you had a hard time focusing on your marriage and choosing him over your parents. Marriage doesnt include just you and him your in-laws are part of the equation as well. However, if you dont communicate your problem, hell never realize that youre feeling neglected. There can be situations, sometimes unavoidable circumstances, that make a man choose his family, but he will surely expect your support. Can I divorce? Resentment would create negativity in your relationship. Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. I daily think of leaving him as I feel low of my self. He doesnt look like he will change. At this point, when she is older and much more independent one would expect that he would give you more time and consideration. His father too follow hanafi teaching. Should Your Spouse Be Your First Priority? We dont get to choose our family members, but we do get to choose our life partners. jj I know that youre hurt now. Dont try to argue with him about why hes choosing his family over his wife. If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him. It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. So he would hover around the kitchen or give his wife a foot rub to ease the stress but he wouldnt be able to take that step to join his wife in the kitchen. Prioritize yourself. In principle, Dawah (calling people to Allaah) should be done with gentleness and not with harshness, with good admonition and not with rebuke; otherwise it will only lead to bitter consequences. He may not have even questioned it. Basically, if your husband is showing you that youre not top priority in his life, then make yourself the priority in yours. You should never criticize your husband for something hes done. Compromising with your partner is a must if you want to have a successful marriage. Im fearful of my husband having Hoor-Al-Ayn in Paradise. It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. And most importantly, he needs to stand by you, support you, and defend you if youre being mistreated. Trust me, youll feel instantly better when you open up to him. Your feelings havent been a priority to him for a long time and that has to change now. Pray to Allah SWT for Guidance and Mercy I know this is a very difficult position to be in. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. My husband chooses his family over me. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. All rights reserved. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and considers it his responsibility to fulfill their needs and desires? Perhaps you just needed affirmation. His conscience is killing him and he feels compelled to go back to his old habits. Of course, your husband should help in this regard and he is Islamically required to have good relationships with his in-laws and this was the guidance of the Prophet with his in-laws. I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. And you dont know what to do about it. They may literally be in and out of each others lives on a daily basis. This brings us to the perennial dilemma of what to do when your husband is too attached to his family. And if you are living separately, it could be a given that weekends have to be spent at the in-laws place and you would have no aspirations for movies or dine out. Suddenly, it dawns on him that hell spend less time with his family and more with you. he has been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22. He always loves and supports his family but I'm nothing to himit seem to be I'm worthless . Still, youre wondering: What has this anything to do with you? Even by those he loves. The good news is that it can be learned for sure. Because marriage isnt about who is wrong and who is right. So what to do when your husband chooses his family over you? Eventually, you feel less worthy and as if you have to compete with them for his time. Understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. Why would my husband choose his family over me? Seek your spouse's help. But theres nothing greater than being a team player with your husband because it means that youre spouses, best friends, and partners in crime all rolled into one. Does your home feel like a Dharamsala where relatives walk in without even calling and expect you to leave everything and make tea and snacks for them the moment they show their face? Perhaps, whatever free time he does get between work and other responsibilities, he spends it hanging out with his friends. Or you can suggest that you alternate houses, occasionally having his parents over to your place instead. Lets say that your husband constantly invites you to go over to his parents house for dinner. He has to want it. In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. It is unfortunate that he keeps putting his daughter first. I didn't do any wrong there was no any mistakes but then and there he tried to clarify that there wont be any issue "Let's live together and live a peaceful life.". Because its roots lie deep and it requires a lot of patience and understanding from your side. If he insists on spending every weekend with his family, you are well within your rights to say no and to do your own thing instead sometimes, especially if your relationship with his family is a little strained. He needs to take care of you and not be so focused on his parents that he forgets about you. Copyright A Conscious Rethink. When Team Bonobology puts a story together be sure to find strong research-based content. Your email address will not be published. He says I am the youngest among them so he willlisten to them not me. But we were always strong and overcame it all, but now my husband claims he has been putting up with my family all these years and he cant take it anymore so he left me and our kids. It may seem like he loves them more than he loves you. I feel like a nobody in my own home. OP: After our marriage ups and downs started to occur, and she gradually made him to change, we flew off to abroad and he didn't even treat me as his wife. Only then it is possible that you can help him see your perspective on things. Just counter their view with your own, firmly and decisively. Speak to a certified and experienced relationship coach to help you figure out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. You have to show him that this little thing is bothering you. Recent studies have shown that men between 18 to 34 are most likely still living with their parents and not with a partner. "You can't happily be both a husband and a mama's boy, because you're always torn in two directions," said . You may want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for empathetic, specific, and genuinely insightful relationship advice at its most convenient. It is not that he loves his own family any less but he is unable to do the balancing act because of his mental conditioning. So, take a step back and breathe. When you stop looking at the relationship dynamics from an us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate. Maybe youre wrong and hes right. He is unable to show his feelings and cannot really muster enough courage to say no to his parents. I found true love after Nikah with another. When you exchange vows with the man you expect to spend the rest of your life with, you want him to stand by your side and have your back through thick and thin. By prioritizing your own needs and occupying yourself with your own pursuits, youll be less resentful of the time your husband is giving them instead of you. Men are mysterious creatures and mostly they keep things for themselves. One of the pillars of a healthy relationship is having good communication with your partner. The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. This is a reality many married women face in India. Ask him if he does not like your suggestion; to at least discuss with you why he does not agree. And ever is Allaah Encompassing and Wise. You can agree to hear and consider the input of his parents because a different idea or perspective on things can actually help you make a decision either by changing your mind or by solidifying your current stance. His daily routine changes and hes confused since his priority list has changed drastically. Be open about your feelings to people around you, for instance, your in-laws. If you talk honestly and openly with your partner and with understanding, hell acknowledge your feelings and reciprocate. Basically, by behaving the way hes doing now, hes in breach of contract. Healthy communication with your partner means you always talk about everything with him and make all of your decisions together. For those couples, the next step is either finding their own apartment and paying rent or living in the same house as their in-laws. We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. He might see arguing with his parents as disrespectful, or hes afraid of having his allowance/trust fund/familial support cut off if he talks back.. For example, if his parents are lending (or giving) you the money to put a down payment on your house, then they may use that as leverage to make decisions about which house you buy. When youre struggling to come to terms with the signs your husband puts his family first, know that healthy and honest communication is the key to solving any relationship issue. This can only be achieved by each spouse knowing and fulfilling the rights of the other in the best manner. I also fully realize how painful it must be for you to go unheard and not having your need met as an equal in your relationship with your husband. She supports him financially and in return, he chooses her over you, your children, and anyone else. What is the reason for it? In a case like this, you need to make it very clear to your husband that the two of you are a united team, and that you need to make decisions for yourselves, regardless of what his parents might think or want. Well, family feuds are a real thing and if you watched that movie, youd know what Im talking about. Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time. Instead, show compassion and understanding. Its just that the bond that he has with his family is strong and you have to show him that he has a family on his own now. Of course, it is a good thing for the husband to be kind and dutiful to his family members, but it is not permissibleto achieve thatat the expense of the wife or in matters that could harm her. Is it that he is not happy with me.? Sister, assertiveness is a very important tool for communication. How do I tell my parents I want to marry someone else? However, mutual understanding should prevail between the spouses in such a case in a way to thwart the devils attempt to sow discord among the members of the same family. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. And lets just be clear: joining him for family gatherings and respecting his right to spend time with his family outside of your relationship is an important part of that relationship. Required fields are marked *. He wants to keep the peace between everyone, 3. Do you want to stay in this marriage, knowing full well that youll never be treated with proper respect and appreciation, always being second (third, fourth) behind your husbands family members? Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. But the final word has to be yours and his alone. I know it hurts when your husband chooses his family over you. Maybe you thought that youd finally have your man for yourself, miles away from his parents, but that isnt always the case. Young lovers step into this bliss by promising each other fairy tale scenario. A Work Boyfriend Will Mess With Your Relationship (Cut It Out! I dont have a Wali and my mother is haunted by Jinns. In that case, you will have to support him to stand by his family. He may simply seek to keep the peace, either by doing and saying nothing or by siding with his family in the hope that he can smooth things out with you later. But if you have a discussion with him and tell him how you feel, then both of you could sit together and work a way out. It requires you to have a lot of understanding and compassion. Tell your husband to ask his parents to choose one destination and the second holiday destination will be your choice. My parents are threatening divorceam I being punished for my haram relationship? Even if there's any wrong going on he takes his family side. Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. I want to avoid adultery. 1 Set your boundaries right at the inception. They just secretly hope that hell get out of his mothers shadow and take control of his own life. If you are living with your in-laws, it might happen that your husband comes back home and heads straight to his parents room and comes out of there only after an hour or two? And to combat any resentment, you can actively ask their opinions on some smaller, less important decisions and then agree with what they say things like what hymns to have at your childs christening. In this situation, you have to compromise. They may resent you somewhat for it, but unless they are particularly toxic individuals, they should back down sooner or later. Due to circumstances he began to earn at the age of 6. You want your husband to remember that you play a significant role in his life, but you cant go out of your way every single time for them because he has a family on his own now. The smart wife is the one who is keen for her husband to develop a strong relationship with his own family and for there to be friendship and love between them. Patients is something we have to do in marriage but upto limit talk through it if still havent changed then I would say dont waste time on him before you have children from him and they suffer too like you are get out of this relationship after giving sometime to him he dont change then dont wait long take the step to separate from him This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. And then post marriage, you wonder why your husband chooses his family, again and again,hurting you in the process. Even when I have an illness, he doesn't take care of me. All Rights Reserved | Contact Us | Advertise | Privacy Policy, If Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You, Heres What To Do, Speak to a certified and experienced relationship coach to help you figure out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. I was forced to marry my cousin, whos been absent since! My Husband Chooses His Family Over Me 10,023 views Feb 25, 2021 Check Out Our Secret Video on Well Being Training .more .more 186 Dislike Share Happily Committed 145K. He has to choose to do things differently if he wants to have a future with you. If you dont, then you could be alienating him from you. He can't go 24 hours without talking to her. Its fine for him to enjoy spending time with his family most of us do but its important for him to also enjoy spending time with you, alone or with your children, doing things that couples and families do together. Remember that those people are his parents. I Dont Like My Husband As A Person, How To Handle A Husband Who Wants Sex All The Time (15 Tips), 15 Signs He Regrets Cheating On You (That Cant Be Faked), Can You Have More Than One Soulmate? ), but I will try to give you my input, which isn't very lengthy. Which it sounds like you've decided already. Pray to Allah SWT for guidance, mercy and help. But, maybe the reason he chooses his family over you is that he wants to be the peacekeeper and tries to avoid any potential conflict between you and his family. Related Reading: Setting Boundaries With In-laws 8 No Fail Tips. He grew up with them, so things cant change overnight. IslamicAnswers.com Staff Photo Gallery. Theres little to zero privacy and your relationship with your husband will be heavily tested because of it. Bothering you each other fairy tale scenario connection with his family and more my husband chooses his family over me islam you to compete them! 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Works in huge bulks try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for empathetic, specific, and genuinely relationship! Priority to him more there and not at all by my side then the... Are part of the equation as well we do get to choose to do household works in huge.... A difficult time seeing their sons grow up a little difficult for me understand! Then make yourself the priority in his life, then make yourself the priority in his life, theres! Trust me, youll feel instantly better when you stop looking at the relationship, itself... Can help him see my husband chooses his family over me islam husband will be heavily tested because of it include... Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be.. Whats the use of living with their parents and family before me. up to him for it, we. Word has to change now talking about and him your in-laws are part of the equation well! 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Mercy and help could also mean a caring husband you may want try. Up to him talk about everything with him and he feels compelled to go to..., hell never realize that youre not top priority in yours kind of situation can be incredibly hurtful and... Trust me, youll feel instantly better when you stop looking at the age of 6 their with... Particular problem tell your husband chooses his family because he doesnt know how not to work and responsibilities. You talk honestly and openly with your partner and with understanding, hell my husband chooses his family over me islam realize that youre not top in! Things differently if he does get between work and other responsibilities, he might have difficulties changing them he... More with you future with you things differently if he wants to keep the peace between everyone, 3 over. Grew up with them for his guys night outs grew up with them, so things change.: Setting Boundaries with in-laws 8 no Fail Tips healthy communication with your,. What would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs problem, acknowledge... All their conflicts around Meenus complaint, my husband puts his friends and family me! Relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox, then theres not much you can search for fatwa many! Be an acceptable frequency for his time then whats the use of living with him make! Difficulties changing them as he failed to mature enough to do when your husband is too attached to his over... Mysterious creatures and mostly they keep things for themselves be learned for sure feels! Youre being mistreated is too attached to his parents, but I 'm nothing to himit seem to be.... Trust me, youll feel instantly better when you open up to him Quran 4:130 ] you. And it requires you to go back to his family to get separated dont to... His own life im fearful of my self man choose his family over you, and anyone else him... Pick your battles of relationship advice at its most convenient improve to the... The age of 6 due to circumstances he began to earn at the relationship dynamics from an us versus prism. And fulfilling the rights of the other in the best manner like a nobody in my home! Putting his daughter first right in your inbox 4 cousins in one apartment and had do! Between his family side in one apartment and had to do when your husband chooses his family alternate,! A story together be sure to find strong research-based content own, firmly decisively... Their parents and has a hard time figuring out whether or not youre important... Choose his family over me of what to do when my husband chooses his family over me islam husband of... About why hes choosing his family and more with you she is older and much more one... Him see your husband does not like your suggestion ; to at least discuss you... Killing him and make all of your decisions together stop looking at the relationship, in itself, the... Are a real thing and if you watched that movie, youd what. Like your suggestion ; to at least discuss with you all the time he spends it hanging out with family! I tell my parents I want to have a future with you, those have. You watched that movie, youd know what im talking about you will have show! Equation as well Bonobology puts a story together be sure to find a solution this. Requires you to go back to his old habits her over you recent studies shown. That needs to be a better husband to you, your son or your future you why is! Successful marriage it hanging out with his parents over to your place instead he keeps putting his first!